Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in iwearconverse's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, March 27th, 2007
1:43 pm	i miss my past sometimes coming home is always strange because you spend time with people who aren't really a part of your life anymore. you catch up, talk about strange situations, but no matter what your friends from high school don't know you the same way anymore. they don't understand how you've changed and grown. and that's a bit sad, i guess. because it makes you realize that your life is a hell of a lot different than you thought it would be at 18. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 16th, 2006
11:42 pm	another random poem SOCIAL WELFARE You are my 4 year long weakness An arrow, a pomegranate, a terrible television hour Brown sweet sugar cane that rots out my heart When we kiss it is like my heart becomes homeless Drawn out by some faint hope, Only to wander aimless No end to speak of To rest only upon a bench in a park named your arms But the postal service doesn’t deliver there And I have many letters coming my way. So like that potent queen of the dead and living I’ve eaten my six kernels and now Spend half my time waxing The other half waning Freezing and thawing ruthlessly Why is there more than one season? (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 3rd, 2006
7:20 am	i haven't written anything in quite a while A POEM WITH A SIMILIE Two feet are mine rather than four And learning to balance has been a challenging task I feel like a hominid who is ten years behind the pace of evolution Someone else has always helped me to make my lithic aids There’s a few pieces that I still haven’t found And wobbling towards the end I feel a hand Of someone potential interest steadying And I need to learn to stop searching for that hand Everywhere I look I wonder if it is you Or you or you or you or you even in Most delusional and romanticized moments Then I know that broken people just like me Are every place that you look and I’m not quite returned yet. Never quite rounded into the stretch of comfort with this singular life without those extra two feet. ROPED WITH REGRET We were bound to collide. Literal strings screamed with the tautness of their weighted burden Straining with resistance seasoned with stolen glances And we tried a time to not For we had regretted what had yet to become this is a mistake even before it’s made. Unspecified pronouns we should leave it at that And I walked you halfway home thinking nothing more than Have I set fire to the only book worth reading? Only three quarters finished anyways I need to continue There is more within us to be reclaimed And I can’t accept only a fraction of what we need be So since the binds have snapped broken beyond repair Please allow that we had no choice Because when the sun deconstructs, rendering everything else meaningless I want to sit at your side in memoriam of all we’ve suffered And laugh at the calamity that seems so small In comparison with the disaster we wreaked upon ourselves. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 19th, 2006
8:09 am	1 month and counting...nothing's going to change i'm officially really really awful at being single. seriously. i am incapable of having a for reals love life without a relationship. i should just give up dating forever and become celibate or something. it's so freaking stressful to wake up every morning and not know what's going to happen, who's going to be in your life, whether or not anyone genuinely wants to know what you're thinking about or feeling, or wants you to want to know the same things about them. people are too afraid of other people caring about them. that's so foreign to me i can't even explain it. how do people function without caring about others? i never realized the extent to which this is true until very recently. the hardest part of this is that i don't really know how to be friends with people. i'm just not very good at it. i don't know how it works, and i don't know where the lines are. i don't even know if there are lines, i just assume that there are. i don't know how to go about making new friends, because it's never really been something that i've done. i'm not talking about new friendly acquaintances, i have millions of those. i'm talking about real honest to goodness people who actually honestly give a fuck about you friends. i may have ruined one of the only such friendships that i've ever had like that on thursday, by making out with probably the most true and honest friends i've ever had. i regret doing it not so much because there's not an attraction, because there always has been, but because i feel like something about it betrayed who we are as friends. i hope we can laugh it off as a not quite regrettable mistake and just sort of pretend like it never happened. i'm just not looking forward to talking about it. trying to be friends with scott isn't going too well. i can't figure out what his deal is. i've been trying to hang out with him, because i actually want to be REAL friends with him, not just show buddies or whatever. i feel like somehow he lost all his respect for me since we broke up, but i can't figure out what i've done that would make that happen. i'm just tired of having these complicated relationships with people. i miss simple, comfortable, bullshit free interactions. (Comment on this)
Friday, October 27th, 2006
3:04 am	i'm never going to be the same. never. i have been stripped of an element which was such an integral part of myself that i doubt i'll even recognize myself. it's an element which i think i've prized as being fairly uniquely mine. he's made me just like everyone else. i'm feeling a little more dead than alive these days. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, October 23rd, 2006
3:47 pm	slightly more coherent today thanks to everyone who reached out. it meant a lot to me to not have to do this all by myself. i'm doing a hell of a lot better than i was on saturday. eating and sleeping are happening almost normally, which i think is great. stopped crying about it all the time. i'm getting by, and starting to just look up in general. we only dated for two months, so he can't have fucked me up too badly. still haven't quite gotten my head around the concept that we're not going to be together anymore, but that will come with time i'm sure. i'm kind of in a weird phase where i want to see him, but i know i'm not ready to do that yet. i just hope we can be friends without it being weird. i've never really done that before, but we'll see if it can happen. i seem to have ridiculous amounts of free time with which i do not know what to do. not because scott took up much time, i barely saw the kid anyways, but i'm just not used to being alone. i think i have been in two of the most radically different types of relationships that a person could have been in within the space of about three months. an attatched at the hip, get into a fight over spending time apart, love you until the day i die, would do anything for you relationship; and a why do you call me just to talk, i never see you, don't have strong feelings for you, can't be bothered for you relationship. i think i should probably aim for something in the middle next time. i feel like in the last 3 months i've learned a hell of a lot of things about myself though. i can actually feel myself kind of growing up and learning some important life lessons. i'm getting to be a fucking strong, resiliant person. it's good to know that i can get through these things. makes me more comfortable in myself i guess. Current Mood: hopeful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 21st, 2006
6:40 pm	so i've now been dumped. it's the first time. feels a hell of a lot like shit, to be honest. because i really wanted it to work. i really wanted him. but i can't make him love me. my thoughts are very disjointed. sleeping and eating aren't coming easily right now, so sorry this is incongruent. (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 19th, 2006
12:15 am	i have a very intimate relationship with my scanner. currently it is on strike, refusing to scan anything else this evening. i'm going to sleep in celebration. last night was the less than jake show. it's amazing how i always forget how much fun it is to go to a show where you know every word to every song, and scream them out so loud because each one has such a poignant connotation for you. they'll always be a band i love, like new found glory, because their music makes me feel something profound which is oftentimes completely unrelated to the music itself. so take that, music snobs, because i love music in a way you'll never comprehend. (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 15th, 2006
12:20 am	i don't know who said it, but whoever did is pretty much dead on. "you can have everything. you just can't have everything all at once." still frustrated, still alone on a saturday night, with no hope of things ever getting better and frankly getting tired of feeling that way. other than that, i swear my life is really awesome. i have great friends, a perfect roommate, an awesome schedule of classes, and i'm just having a great semester all around. but hey, i can't have it all at once. (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 7th, 2006
11:44 pm	as childish a rant as it is, i'm very tired of being upset because of the men in my life. i'm tired of stressing over my relationships with people. these things are supposed to be fun, after all. and feeling like you've been punched in the stomach for 24 hours straight isn't a whole lot of fun. what am i supposed to do with the information that you don't care for me as much as i care for you, but you don't want to end us? how do i balance your impossible desires, for more space and yet more intimacy? if we're not connecting, how are we supposed to when we're always on a schedule, when there's so much pressure placed upon every stage and every kiss and every touch? how do i trust that you'll ever care for me without changing your mind two weeks later? how do i ever trust myself to properly interpret your actions? how do i go to sleep next to you at night without feeling like it's a lie, without feeling like i have to run away in shame once the honest light of morning hits me? congratulations, sjb, you've found yourself among a very select few. you're in the company of those who have managed to make me feel so utterly embarassed, so completely ashamed, so profoundly unaware that my feelings were foolish, baseless, and idiotic. you can't even kiss me like you mean it anymore. lies would have been less painful. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 7th, 2006
12:29 pm	lotta shit's gone down since i last updated this shenanigan. fell into and out of love, moved, changed my major and my life plan, visited the one place i've always wanted to be, learned a whole lot of things about myself, learned a new language, and given up any ideals of every being in control of my life. these years go by so fast and mean so much. i woke up one morning an old woman with no experience. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 27th, 2006
1:43 pm	a switch in topic hey 1 or two people who probably still have me listed as a friend... i'm going on probably the coolest summer trip ever this summer. i'm spending my first month in greece working at an archaeological site, doing fun stuff like surveying and sorting architectural fragments and stuff. after that, i'm going on a three week journey through rome, naples, florence, venice, torino, paris, and london. i'll be writing about it here, and maybe even posting pictures, assuming i ever figure out how to do that. so...i guess, it's a heads-up of sorts. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 13th, 2006
6:56 pm	please help! if everyone could click on the website link and sign the petition, that would be awesome. the iranian government is going to put a young woman to death for defending herself and her young niece against three rapists. if he had killed her, he would not receive the death penalty. if she had submitted, she would have been stoned publicly as an adulterer. http://www.petitiononline.com/Nazanin/petition.html (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 8th, 2006
10:51 am	and the universe smiled, and linni received a $1200 grant to go to greece and play with architectural fragments from the temple of zeus at nemea. man my life rules right now. (Comment on this)
Friday, December 23rd, 2005
10:31 pm	sometimes it hurts to the point where i get jealous of people in movies because at least they're next to each other. i really need to learn to date men closer to home. (Comment on this)
Monday, December 19th, 2005
8:39 pm	finals: check, they're done. finished latin this morning. probably the worst i've ever felt coming out of a final. whatever, i'm glad it's over and i could waste the day cleaning my apartment, watching almost an entire season of chappelle's show, reading jon stewart books, and talking to andy. i wish i hadn't listened to him and had tickets to go visit him over break. i miss him already. i'm kind of worried about my roommate. she came back while i was out running errands, but when i got back she wasn't here. i called her, but she didn't answer her phone. her purse and shoes she usually wears when she's not running are here. i'm going to try calling her again. (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 17th, 2005
1:59 pm	long time, no update. i don't know. nothing all that cool. this semester it's pretty much been mock trial, school, eating, sleeping, and andy. i'm applying for archaeological field school this summer, which i'm very excited about, as it's in greece and greece is probably the coolest place in the entire world. i'm looking forward to finishing this dang latin final. i simply haven't been able to concentrate much on studying for this final, so i'm kind of hoping the work i put in over the semester tranfers over to the exam. i miss nice weather. going home should be nice. but berkeley still is, and always will be, home. i love this city: every dirty, charming, raging inch of it. every day on my run i see different houses and think of how i could spend the rest of my life living in a house just like that one. i love perusing and investigating little things about the city. i often take walks just for scenery. it's a wonderful habit, something i recommend highly. i guess right now i'm just at peace with the life i'm living. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
6:13 pm	damn... i lost my scholarship.. i'm appealing, but i can't understand why i would have lost it. i did exactly what they said i should do: get really involved in at least one activity. i mean, i didn't get elected to excomm, which sucks, but i can't do anything about that. i've just been having really shitty luck right now. hopefully it'll change. (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
11:33 pm	i love my boyfriend, but man, athletes on the whole kind of bug me. i'm sick of them. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 26th, 2005
12:53 am	i don't know why it is, but when you put words into a new context it's poetry to me. scramble meanings and spellings and you touch upon something deeper. language can be such a barrier, so incomplete to express how people feel and see and think. but when you deconstruct its rules to communicate, then, my friend, you have made language your tool instead of your cross. (Comment on this)